Undiscovered Gyrl

Thursday, October 25, 2007

2009-04-20T10:05:00.003-07:00

I hope I'm not a disgrace at blogging. I have always excelled at creative writing but I suck at grammar and punctuation and can barely write my own name without spell-check. (Ms. Rath thinks I'm mildly slysdexic. Ha!) Maybe this experiment will help me to discover my bliss faster. Hope so. Bye.

Friday, November 2, 2007

2009-04-20T10:05:00.001-07:00

Last night Dan called and asked if I wanted to come over and watch a movie. We both know what that means. Which is why I swore I'd never go back. But I did last night. In fact I ran the whole way. I have no will power....

One wonderful thing about hooking up with an older guy is that you don't have to reciprocate. Younger guys practically grab you by the hair and push you onto their dicks. "My turn!" Or else if they're the sensitive type, they tell you how making love will bring you so much closer, and they start to beg. Yuck! Dan never makes demands....

One not-so-wonderful thing is that they think they know everything. I drank three beers pretty fast which got Dan going on his favorite lecture. He said I was flirting with alcoholism. I told him he was totally wrong and that I love alcohol way too much to ever let myself get addicted to it and have to quit. This made him laugh. He didn't believe me.

Later Friday, November 2, 2007

2009-04-20T10:04:00.001-07:00

Thank god I didn't stop for coffee on the way home, because right after I got back, Rory knocked on my bedroom door, which means if I'd stopped for coffee, Rory would have found my room empty and known I'd slept out....

Our sex would have been so much better if I hadn't been thinking the whole time how I hadn't showered yet and how lucky I was that Rory didn't notice I was wearing a huge men's sweater....

Such a long post! When I was 11, I kept a diary and I wrote in it every single day for a month. Then I stopped forever. I hope I don't do that again. I quit too many things. The only things I don’t quit are the things I should: drinking, smoking and Rory. Ha!

Monday, November 5, 2007

2009-04-20T10:03:00.002-07:00

I got an email today from julietisdead who is positive that I'm some slut from her high school named Katie Loomis who goes out with a football player named Rory McGirk. Sorry, babe, I've never been to Arkansas and no way would I ever date a jock. I prefer brains over brawn. Besides, Rory isn't in high school. He's a senior at the college where Dan teaches.

Just so you know, if I thought there was even a one in a google chance of anyone recognizing me from this blog, I would never ever be this honest. And what's the point of blogging if you're not going to tell the truth?

The reason I'll never be recognized is that I've changed every single name including my own. I have also changed many random meaningless details. For example, Dan lives in an apartment not a house. My dad did not have a heart attack after his operation. He caught a staph infection. (Can be just as fatal.) And Jade's grandmother does not live in Thailand. She lives in the Philippines. You get the idea. All the important details are accurate.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

2009-04-20T10:03:00.001-07:00

I've been out of school for five months now and I still haven't found a full-time job, this is due mostly to the fact that I have never looked for one! Why, you ask? Why have I not looked when I promised my mom that I would? Well, first I graduated from high school and I wanted to have fun with my friends before they left for their pre-college vacations or started their boring office jobs in the city, then I met Rory on the 4th of July and thought I was in love. Since I still had some money left over from the $5000 my grandma left me when she died (she left the rest to the Catholic Church to pay their molester bills), I decided to take it easy until the end of summer when I would then begin my life as a responsible adult. By the time Labor Day came and it was time for me to labor, I was in the habit of being a lazy loser. And then I met Dan, which was another delicious thing to distract me.

Anyway I'm now broke off my ass and my mom says she's going to kick me out December 1st unless I start "fending for myself." She wouldn't really do it, of course. I am the light of her life. But she's right. It's time for me to get serious.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

2009-04-20T10:02:00.001-07:00

I've only been writing this blog for, like, three weeks, but according to my tracking site it gets between 450 and 500 discrete visitors a day. Is this good? Sure seems like it. I wonder who the hell you all are. The most popular blog search terms that lead you to my site are gyrl, high school, sex, oral sex and bliss.

Friday, November 16, 2007

2009-04-20T10:01:00.001-07:00

I just called my dad and asked if we could have lunch tomorrow, just the two of us. This is code for "leave your pathetic Indian girlfriend at home." He said yes but I could tell he was annoyed. He hates being alone with me. I don't know why. He didn't used to. Up until junior high we did things together all the time. Maybe it's because now that I am older I often want to discuss money. The subject is unbearable for him because it reminds him of what a deadbeat dad he is.

Friday, November 30, 2007

2009-04-20T10:00:00.003-07:00

Many of you wrote to me furious that I didn't blog once this week. Well, here's why: I hate blogs about nothing! I don't care about how messy your sister's room is or how much you paid for your new figure skates or what that bitch C.C. said to you at the bar mitzvah that hurt your feelings. I assume you feel the same way. Isn’t life boring enough without me adding to it?

What if instead of taking the week off, I had told you the truth about my life? How I was so depressed about losing my job that I slept all day and watched as much bad TV as possible? How I lived on rice cakes, beer and little boxes of raisins, and pretended my pillow was Dan's chest? How I only went out looking for work once and after an hour I had to pee so I gave up.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about my nights! Monday I drank with Jade, Tuesday I smoked with Rory, Wednesday I drank with Jade again, and last night I drank and smoked with Rory. I have the worst bags under my eyes. Oh, yeah, and Tuesday night I had sex with Rory on the floor of my room. He came even faster than usual because it had been a while. Afterwards we went out to Beaowolf--a highly unimpressive film. We shared a large buttered popcorn. Is this really the sort of meaningless crap you want me to blog about? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

2009-04-20T10:00:00.001-07:00

Many of you are really pissed at me for not answering your emails. Why should I? All you do is rag on me, call me names and correct my spelling, punctuation and grammar. You think I'm going to defend myself to you? Neeeevvvver!

Only Airesinmo said something positive. She thinks my relationship with Dan is thrilling and romantic. She finds guys under 25 as dreary as I do. She wishes she had a brilliant sexy older man like Dan to love and learn from. Hang in there, gyrl. You'll find one. Just wear short skirts and don't be afraid to make the first move. Older men are weak! Love you tons.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

2009-04-20T09:59:00.001-07:00

My obsession interfered with my job performance today. I was carrying Cole in his basket while daydreaming about Dan. All of the sudden the basket shifted and I came really close to dropping Cole onto the tile floor. Scared the shit out of me! I stood there for like 10 seconds, clutching the basket, while my heart pounded. Can you imagine if I had cracked their baby's skull open on the kitchen floor? People forget how scary it is to be a nanny.

LATER: 1:28 am

2009-04-20T09:58:00.001-07:00

Rory and I just had the hugest fight. He recorded a new song inspired by our relationship called "Blue Balls in Blue Jeans" and he wanted my honest opinion. He sang it for me over the phone. I told him I thought the tune was extremely catchy and cute but that the lyrics were juvenile. Since he wrote the words and not the music he went completely insane. I cannot love Rory because I cannot respect him. He doesn't take life seriously. If he did he wouldn't write silly songs like that. Older men rule.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

2009-04-20T09:57:00.002-07:00

I wish I understood my father. Every time I tell my mom another one of my theories about why he treats me like shit, she always says the same thing: "He's an alcoholic, honey. It has nothing to do with you. It's a disease. The only thing they love is their next drink." She's probably right. But I still look for theories, I can't help it. I wonder if maybe I don't build up his ego enough with compliments. Or maybe he thinks if I was never born my mother wouldn't have kicked him out. Or maybe my face and body look so much like my mom's when she was young that it freaks him out to be around me. It's like a ghost or something. A ghost he used to have sex with. Or maybe he is afraid that if he felt true fatherly love for me it would remind him of the good old days when we were a family, and his heart would break in two. Or maybe my mom is right and he loves only his next drink and hates everything else, including me and the drink he is still holding in his hand.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

2009-04-20T09:57:00.001-07:00

Yesterday when I woke up I could not believe what I had done. It didn't feel real. It was like some thriller I had seen the night before. No way I actually starred in it! But one look at my scraped hands proved I was wrong. In the shower, as I was wondering why I did it and thanking god I didn't get busted, I looked down and saw that my period had started. No wonder! How did I not figure that out? It was the hormones, baby!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

2009-04-20T09:56:00.001-07:00

I just rocked Joel Seidler's little Jewish world by calling him. Even though when we had dinner I promised him we would be friends again, I knew he didn't believe me, which was smart because I was blatantly lying. But now that I am a crampy, pitiful, lonely half-orphan, I can't be choosy. We're meeting at a bar with a heated patio where we can smoke ourselves to oblivion. Last one to cough up a tumor is a rotten egg!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

2009-04-20T09:55:00.001-07:00

I was about to go home for the day when Paul sat me down and told me that there were going to be some changes in the household. Starting Friday, Margaret is going back to work part-time. I pretended to be totally surprised....

Driving home I heard on the radio Heath Ledger died. Drugs I'm sure. Such a waste. When I got home I crawled in bed and cried over it. Which is weird since I've hardly ever seen any of his movies. I just felt so sorry for his cute girlfriend and their little baby with no daddy. At one point my mom knocked and asked if I was all right. I said, "Yes, go away." I am sure she thought I was crying over my dad. Hey, maybe I was. Hahaha!

Super Tuesday, February 5, 2008

2009-04-20T09:54:00.001-07:00

Obama did awesome tonight in the biggest day of elections ever. He didn't beat the crap out of Hillary, but he tied her and for an unknown black man that's pretty huge. The only tragic and embarrassing thing was that I couldn't vote! You're going to want to strangle me at how stupid I am but no one told me I had to register first! I went down to the school all proud and excited to vote for the first time and I was totally humiliated.

I yelled at my mom "Why didn't you tell me I had to register before I could vote?!"

She said "Sweetie, it never occurred to me. You've never shown the slightest interest in politics."

I said "I'm not interested in politics! I'm interested in Barack Obama!"

Friday, February 8, 2008

2009-04-20T09:53:00.001-07:00

This morning I told my mom I would like to start therapy. She calmly sipped her coffee and asked why. I said that there were some issues concerning my dad I wanted to deal with. She said that sounded like a wonderful idea. Deep down I knew she was celebrating. How do I know? Because right in the middle of lunch while I was laughing my ass off at Paul's imitation of Margaret's decorating client (he is gay, rich and from Texas), she called to tell me that I have an appointment tomorrow with Dr. Elaine Sherman. Mama didn't waste no time! Hahaha!

Friday, February 15, 2008

2009-04-20T09:51:00.001-07:00

This is when most bloggers would start lying big-time, but no matter how hard it is going to be to tell you this, and no matter how much you'll hate me for it, I refuse to bullshit you. I know what you are thinking. Bitter Truth #1: Complete honesty is a complete lie. Well, maybe Paul's wrong about that one.

Driving into work this morning I thought if I never tonguekissed Paul in my entire life I would look back one day and think "Shit, why didn't I do it just once?" Yes, all sex has dire consequences but is kissing sex? Not really. Only if you let it be.

Friday, February 22, 2008

2009-04-20T09:50:00.001-07:00

Stop writing to tell me what a disgusting person I am. I try not to read your vicious letters but sometimes I can't resist and then I feel worse about myself than I already do. If you keep doing it I will shut down the contact button and none of you will ever be able to write to me again.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

2009-04-20T09:49:00.001-07:00

This evening my mom and Mark were planning their wedding on the dining room table, with all of their assembled materials spread out before them....

The whole time we were looking over the materials, the big discussion was the date for the wedding. What was the perfect day? We narrowed it down and voted on three choices. June 21 won 3-0. I thought "Hey, that was easy. Maybe we'll become sort of a family now." But then out of nowhere, Mark says something about how the only awkward part of the transition will be where I will live in the eight weeks between the wedding and when I leave for college.

I was like "Excuse me?" and that's when they told me that they had just decided to sell our house, so that after the ceremony she can move straight into Mark's condo. I was in shock. I have been to his condo. It has three bedrooms, and one of them is a home office and the other is a den with an exercise bike. And even if it had ten bedrooms, so what? I love our house!

I completely freaked out. Where was I going to stay when I come home from college? Where was I going to store all my stuff? What if I’m not ready to go to college? What if I want to defer again? Where will I live?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

2009-04-20T09:48:00.001-07:00

All cozy this morning with the world covered in white I started thinking about what it means to be a good person.... If I died today and there was really such a thing as Elysium, would I go there or would I end up in Greek hell? I think the answer is pretty obvious. Better pack the ole sunscreen, Katie!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

2009-04-20T09:47:00.001-07:00

I am finally feeling better and guess what? My hormones are raging. Isn't that wonderful? Aren't I a lucky gyrl? My body, I swear. How can something so beautiful be such a curse?

A humongous crane fell in NYC and crushed a whole apartment building. Can you imagine? You're lying in bed, thinking your life is pretty awesome then a crane comes through your ceiling and smooshes you like a bug? When you think of all the ways your life can end it's pretty much a miracle we even bother to brush our teeth. Come to think of it, I haven't since yesterday morning!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

2009-04-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

Driving around in the warm rain today I did something you will think is stupid but was probably the smartest thing I have ever done. I went to Elysium Books. For those of you who discovered my blog recently and are too lazy to go back and read it from the beginning, I used to work there but I had to quit....

Anyway driving around today I thought about Glenn and how wonderful I felt whenever we talked. He made me feel intelligent, serious and full of potential. He was such a positive influence on me and that's exactly what I need right now. I need transcendence!

Sunday, April 20, 2008

2009-04-13T14:49:00.003-07:00

Tomorrow is Monday. Even though it would be breaking my promise to Glenn, I could go into work tomorrow and then, when we are alone together, tell Paul in person. No, bad idea. If I see him, I will melt and everything will be out of control again. I will do it tonight. On the phone.